So to start this whole process off, I thought I would speak about something that happened to me years ago.
It was in grade 2 (8 years old), on a Friday.
I remember it was a civvies day, and one of my friends had a scary mask that he had brought.
Now, I was never the bravest of kids. I have and had an overactive imagination, and my dreams were always painful. I used to sleep by the parents at least three days out of seven due to my dreams.
The problem was that I was also very trusting. They were all organising a sleep over and invited me.
I wanted to go, I remember begging my mom if I could. However, it was too short notice to do so.
I hated her then, a child’s hate, but I am very glad she did that.
They planned to scare me with it. They planned to let me sleep, then all put on scary masks and scare me in the middle of the night.
It may not seem like much, it never happened, I only found out a week later what would have happened.
But just the thought that this was what my friends had wanted to do, that they had seemed so sincere in wanting me to come and sleep over with all of them, this destroyed my trust in people.
I always assume a person has an alternative agenda when trying to be nice to me. I always assume that they are just waiting for me to sleep to wake me up.
It’s a small trauma, and honestly a silly one, but it one that has affected me for the past 17 years, and will most probably affect me for the rest of my life.
I can work against it, since I know it’s there.
But when I’m low, when things are tiring, when the burden is too much and I can’t stand tall anymore, I feel the pain of that child still.
I feel the fear that everyone around me is no more than a joker waiting to prank me.
I feel the sadness that maybe that’s all I ever will be. That all I am is a fool to take advantage of.
It’s not every day. It’s not every moment.
But recently, it’s been coming up more often.
I’ve been trying to figure out why it has been preying on me so much more these days.
I think it’s because I’ve finally made some good and solid friendships, and you only fear the loss of something when you have it.
And now I’m fearing terribly.
I wake up in sweats, I sleep trapped in dreams.
It’s not a fun thing.
But the road to recovery starts here.
This trauma can be contained, cleaned, purified, dealt with.
Just sucks that it has to be embraced to be cleansed.
Until next time.